In Memory of Daisy

October 16, 2007  -  May 3rd 2012

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE LOST A PET

I stood by your bed last night...

I came to have a peek.

I could see that you'd been crying,

And you found it hard to sleep

I whined to you softly

as you brushed away a tear,

"It's me. I haven't left you.

I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast...

I watched you pour your tea.

You were thinking of the many times

Your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at my grave today...

You tend to it with such care.

I want to reassure you

That I'm not lying there.

I walked you towards the house

As you fumbled for the key.

I gently put my paw on you...

I smiled and said, "its me."

You looked so very tired

As you sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know

That I was sitting there.

It's wonderful for me to be

So near you everyday,

To say to you with certainty,

"I never went away."

You sat there very quietly,

Then smiled... I think you knew

That in the stillness of the evening

I was very close to you.

And when the time is right for you

To cross the brief divide,

I'll rush across to meet you

And we'll stand there side by side.

I have so many things to show you!

There's so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out,

Then come home to be with me.

Author Unknown

My Sweet Sweet Daisy

There is no other way to say this....so... approximately 2 weeks ago on May 3rd .......I  let Daisy go.  She lived a happy and adventurous life until the very end.....and I mean the very VERY end.   There are no words to describe the loss I feel.   Daisy was my best friend, my companion, my true nature buddy.  I knew this day was coming and even though I'd gone through this before with my other dogs.......each loss feels VERY different.

I started this blog because I wanted to share MY own personal experience as it might offer some help to someone else.  I've received several calls and emails from people who have stumbled upon this site who were searching for answers and others who simply wanted to talk to someone they felt could understand what they were going through.

With Daisy gone I can honestly say that throughout this time period I never really thought about the "end" much.  I didn't want to.  I tried to stay focused on the present moment to stay positive so Daisy and I could have as much fun together as possible.

It is true what they say about lymphoma.......it happens fast once it reaches End Stage.  Most of these dogs can appear healthy and function quite well for a period of time with chemotherapy, radiation or other treatments. Then one day they take a turn for the worse.  Then it is a matter of days. Daisy had not been responsive to chemotherapy for the past several months but she was still able to lead a physically active lifestyle and was her usual happy self.  Her lymph nodes however continued to grow .....under her jaw area, between her shoulders blades and upon a recent examination had spread throughout her abdomen (I also saw and felt them).

Over a period of 3 days Daisy very rapidly reached End Stage lymphoma.  She had increasingly become more and more restless at night, was weak, stopped eating, and panted excessively. On the 3rd day she could barely walk.  I consulted with Dr. Lurie, her oncologist, during this time period ........trying to find a way to fix it.  I spoke to Dr. Warry from the B.M.T. (Bone Marrow Transplant) department at NCSU to ask if a blood transfusion would help to "kickstart" her platelets.  It would not. The disease had progressed too rapidly.  I took her in to see Dr. Lurie.  He said that the disease had spread rapidly and that there was nothing more they could do for her.   I let her go upon his recommendation ........but I also had a "knowing" in the pit of my stomach.

I remember on the 2nd day of Daisy's rapid decline going into a canine support chat room at "pawstrong.org"  I kept asking questions like ....how do you really know if they are in pain or not? How do you know when its time to end their suffering? etc.  etc. question after question............ It finally dawned on me that the time to let them go is WHEN YOU BEGIN ASKING THOSE TYPES OF QUESTIONS.  I didn't have a need to ASK all those questions prior to this time.

Both Daisy's oncologist as well as Dr. Warry from the B.M.T at NCSU had reassured me that Daisy was not in "pain" but described it as a moderate level of "discomfort" similar to having a very bad flu... feeling lethargic and very very weak.  Daisy had difficulty getting oxygen into her lungs so it was probably moderate to severe discomfort for her.   I just wanted to fix it.  I wanted to fix HER.   I wanted to find that ONE treatment that I might have overlooked that could possibly save her.

The bottom line is that there is no actual CURE for lymphoma. It is a terminal disease.  The bone marrow transplant still holds the possibility of a cure as there are some dogs who are still alive post B.M.T.  The lymphoma vaccine also provides the hope of a cure......if caught early enough. Chemotherapy and radiation allow you to extend your dogs life......... for a period of time....but there is no actual cure.  I took responsibility as her caretaker to make the decision to release her because she could not make that decision for herself.  It is our responsibility as their caretakers to make that decision.  I think Daisy would have tried to hang on for as long as she could....... just for ME regardless of how much discomfort she experienced.

                                                                       ~

Yesterday was Mothers day........  I decided it was the perfect day to take a drive up the coast to scatter her ashes along her favorite beach spots (Haulover Beach, Hollywood Beach and Jupiter Beach).  Her spirit will always be there "frolicking" about... and that is where I will go to visit her. 

The Roller Coaster Ride

Daisy is now retired from agility because it has become too physically challenging for her.  Instead she takes trips to the beach where she can jump waves to her hearts content.  It is good for her because it lifts her spirit and she is able to pace herself and stop when she has had enough.  I try to take her to as many doggie activities as possible where she can maintain her normal yet "less" physically active lifestyle.

These last few weeks have been difficult as Daisy struggles with this disease. She has been hospitalized twice because the chemotherapy seems to be wiping out her immune system.   Daisy's bone marrow is still maturing and therefore takes longer to produce new blood cells.  When her platelet and white blood cell count gets too low she becomes weak with a fever and needs hospitalization for fluids and antibiotics.

Daisy continues to receive the lymphoma vaccinations however it is a fine balancing act because the vaccine is supposed to fight against the cancer (and needs the immune system to do it) and yet the chemotherapy weakens the immune system while it is attacking the cancer.  It is scary not knowing if Daisy will recover from these hospitalizations.  Last week I thought I lost her for sure.  It breaks my heart to see her sick and weak and not able to help her.  I take her temperature often especially when her energy seems abnormally low. Or when she wakes up "panting" and begins "pawing" at me which started just this past week.   Is she is pain? I asked Dr. Lurie.  He said that sometimes panting can be a sign of pain or discomfort. He said her condition is not "critical" because it has not spread to her liver or spleen. He said it may likely be discomfort due to a urinary tract infection.  Daisy was prescribed antibiotics for a urinary tract infection and Tramadol for pain.

I've been talking with Dr. Pat Lawman on and off from the  Morphogenesis company regarding Daisy's struggle.  Dr. Lawman who is passionate about finding a cure for lymphoma has high hopes for the lymphoma vaccine. We discussed the challenges of the "balancing act" and she mentioned that the success of the vaccine is much higher if the disease is caught early on.  The challenge is that most dog owners don't catch it until they feel lumps under the dogs jaw area and by that time it is already in the advanced stages.  Dr. Lawman mentioned a company in England called "Pet-screen" who have developed a screening process that reportedly will catch lymphoma in its early stages through an advanced lymphoma blood test.  You can read more about it at their website: www.pet-screen.com
Thank you Dr. Lawman for your compassion throughout this challenging time period.

Dr. Lurie Daisy's oncologist at Miami Veterinarian Specialists did not administer chemotherapy to Daisy this week because of her low platelet counts.  Daisy did however get her fifth dose of the lymphoma vaccine which hopefully will help Daisy this week.  Dr. Lurie said to continue to let Daisy determine what activities she wants to do.  So yesterday I did just that.  I asked Daisy if she wanted to go to the beach and she immediately wagged her tail and ran to get her "purple" beach ball. Here is a short video of her trip to Haulover beach:

A Prayer for my sweet little Daisy:

MAY THE SUN

bring you new energy by day,

MAY THE MOON,

softly restore you by night,

MAY THE RAIN,

wash away your worries,

MAY THE BREEZE

blow new strength into your being

MAY YOU WALK

gently though the world and know its beauty all the days of your life

~apache blessing

Daisy has great eye contact! Too Cute!

I just love this picture of Daisy.  Daisy thanks Chris Septer, host of the Planet Woof Easter Party

Planet "Woof" Easter Party 2012

Daisy Easter Weekend at Haulover Beach

Listening to Daisy

This was Daisy's first day back at agility practice since the stitches were put in 10 days ago (after a biopsy was taken for the "lymphoma vaccine" by Morphogenesis Inc.).  She walked off the agility course half way through....picked up her leash and put it next to her crate.....had she had enough?"  The trainer, Chris Septer suggested lowering the height of the poles because she felt Daisy was likely too hot and over exerting herself.  This solved the problem and Daisy enjoyed the next two runs after that :-)  I will continue to take Daisy to agility as long as it is enjoyable for her.